"you're a literary snob, but you pull it off lovably."
-best text anyone has ever sent me. courtesy of lilly wang.
god, i haven't written in this thing forever. pretty soon after i wrote that poem about finding love that i posted last month, i met a boy. we dated for a few intense, fast-paced weeks, and then we broke up. this poem was the start of some ugly aftermath:
there she dangles in girlish melancholy
waiting for someone to come and
validate what's clearly already valid
her parched self-image wonders
about the good that only the eyes of
others can see in her
lingering in limbo, she sits tight for
whatever man will come along and
pick her up off the floor
yeah, suddenly, "love is power" doesn't feel so true anymore. it's weird to think that just a few weeks ago, i was so full of hope and hard-gained joie de vivre, and in the blink of an eye, it was all gone. i feel like i'm at square one again. square one being me at 16, just beginning to go to parties and get drunk on weekends, so unaware of what life had to offer me. cynical, cynical, cynical. for the first time in my life, i was lucky enough to spend 3 weeks expending all the cynicism i'd pent up over the years, and just when i felt it was finally gone, BAM. i know this stuff happens to everyone, and that my melodrama only allows the situation to be even more lame and ridiculous than it already was, but damn if this isn't the worst a member of the opposite sex has made me feel in a long time.
let me take a second from all this bitching and moaning, though, to clarify this whole fiasco for you (if anyone is even reading this). as much of a victim as i take comfort in pretending to be, i'm not one. this boy drove 30 minutes to my house, sat me down on the porch, and told me how he felt. he told me he wants to stay friends, and that he was sorry, and he left when i told him to. so really, i can whine about this breakup as much as i want, but i will never, ever be able to justifiably paint my ex as somebody who did something horrible to me because he didn't. i just wanted to clear that up so that i don't make it look like he's an awful person, because that would be a huge lie and a disservice to a person i still love and think is great.
moving on...this post was really supposed to be an update on the happier things that're going on in my life, but i guess i had more on my chest than i realized. anyway! my birthday was this past friday. i turned 19. my mom, sister and i went to an animal shelter to look at some dogs because we were kind of, sort, very vaguely considering getting a new one. we came home yesterday with mona. she's a 4-month-old mutt, and she's kind of the love of my life. pictures later. i'm all emotionally fucked up now from being so melodramatic in this stupid post.
hope you're doing well. i'll write soon.