ici n'est pas une blog

2009-07-14T01:08:00.000-07:00

i never have anything to say anymore. i like to put amusing conversations with my friends here mostly these days. they serve as nice mementos to look back on when i forget that things will be okay.

4:00Izzy
the game
centipede
best game ever?
4:01amEmily
oh
4:01amIzzy
well not the best
but it was a game
4:01amEmily
haha
most games are games
um
4:01amIzzy
not all games
some games are traps.
4:02amEmily
yes, but most games are games
as opposed to shoes
or tables
4:02amIzzy
I disagree, shoes are hardly ever games.
sometimes tables can be games though.
4:03amEmily
refrigerators can be games
and chairs
so why not shoes?
4:03amIzzy
not freezers though.
4:03amEmily
no. too cold.
4:03amIzzy
it's in the rule book.
4:03amEmily
duh

conversation with tom

2009-06-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

tmueth 1: I'm trying to get Gilad Shalit to be a trending topic on twitter, but I guess [Farrah Fawcett's death]'s more important than a kidnapped Israeli soldier on the third anniversary of his kidnapping.

you mah wingman: sigh

you mah wingman: tom, you're looking for love in all the wrong places, honey

you mah wingman: just saying

tmueth 1: That makes no sense

you mah wingman: it makes perfect sense!

you mah wingman: you're using twitter for things that people don't use it for

tmueth 1: I'm just trying to get Gilad recognition outside of Israel

tmueth 1: And besides, Hamas sucks

you mah wingman: yes, and my point is that you're not going to get that recognition on a goofy-ass little pseudo-social networking site

tmueth 1: You're unkind.

you mah wingman: i'm not unkind, i'm telling the truth

tmueth 1: That is unkind.

you mah wingman: you're a pussy

you mah wingman: okay, now i'm being unkind

you mah wingman: i'm sorry

you mah wingman: :)

the times, they are a-changin'

2009-05-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

"you're a literary snob, but you pull it off lovably."

-best text anyone has ever sent me. courtesy of lilly wang.

god, i haven't written in this thing forever. pretty soon after i wrote that poem about finding love that i posted last month, i met a boy. we dated for a few intense, fast-paced weeks, and then we broke up. this poem was the start of some ugly aftermath:

there she dangles in girlish melancholy
waiting for someone to come and
validate what's clearly already valid
her parched self-image wonders
about the good that only the eyes of
others can see in her
lingering in limbo, she sits tight for
whatever man will come along and
pick her up off the floor

yeah, suddenly, "love is power" doesn't feel so true anymore. it's weird to think that just a few weeks ago, i was so full of hope and hard-gained joie de vivre, and in the blink of an eye, it was all gone. i feel like i'm at square one again. square one being me at 16, just beginning to go to parties and get drunk on weekends, so unaware of what life had to offer me. cynical, cynical, cynical. for the first time in my life, i was lucky enough to spend 3 weeks expending all the cynicism i'd pent up over the years, and just when i felt it was finally gone, BAM. i know this stuff happens to everyone, and that my melodrama only allows the situation to be even more lame and ridiculous than it already was, but damn if this isn't the worst a member of the opposite sex has made me feel in a long time.

let me take a second from all this bitching and moaning, though, to clarify this whole fiasco for you (if anyone is even reading this). as much of a victim as i take comfort in pretending to be, i'm not one. this boy drove 30 minutes to my house, sat me down on the porch, and told me how he felt. he told me he wants to stay friends, and that he was sorry, and he left when i told him to. so really, i can whine about this breakup as much as i want, but i will never, ever be able to justifiably paint my ex as somebody who did something horrible to me because he didn't. i just wanted to clear that up so that i don't make it look like he's an awful person, because that would be a huge lie and a disservice to a person i still love and think is great.

moving on...this post was really supposed to be an update on the happier things that're going on in my life, but i guess i had more on my chest than i realized. anyway! my birthday was this past friday. i turned 19. my mom, sister and i went to an animal shelter to look at some dogs because we were kind of, sort, very vaguely considering getting a new one. we came home yesterday with mona. she's a 4-month-old mutt, and she's kind of the love of my life. pictures later. i'm all emotionally fucked up now from being so melodramatic in this stupid post.

hope you're doing well. i'll write soon.

same bat time, same bad flannel

2009-04-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

i heart the sexy people blog.

also, here is some poetry. i wrote the first stanza with magnetic words on my brother's fridge a few weeks ago when i was visiting him in manhattan, and i never got around to writing the rest. enjoy.

love is power
but only if and when
it lives in its truest form
not in the form of lust,
nor of petty infatuation
(though the discrepancies
can often fool even the
most impassible of hearts),
but in the incarnation that
it finds the most familiar: that
of the thing that manipulates the hearts
of the blase many, the tired fools who
think they know best
and it contorts their emotions
till they bear no resemblance to what they
were before
so, if love should find you
don't try to fight it off or ignore it till it
leaves, for it will not leave
all it wants to do is live inside your being
and take control over you, regardless of whether
or not that desire is mutual
because, if and when you allow it
to live in its truest form,
love embodies, exudes and is power.

iiiit's showtime!

2009-04-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

the music man opens tonight. i just tried to eat a waffle, but i was too nervous and i only finished half of it. i'm blogging right now because i'm scared shitless and i don't want to think about it.

also, here is my hair for the show:

guess who's sleeping upright for the next two nights.

:)

2009-04-01T10:56:00.001-07:00

favorite. song. ever.

Re: moment of zen

2009-03-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

while we're on the subject of conservative earth hour, today's moment of zen is brought to you by my dear friend tom:

oh, the irony

2009-03-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

so, i have this friend named daniel. daniel is probably one of the most conservative people i've ever tolerated for more than five minutes. he and i were discussing an event on facebook called "conservative earth hour" (turn on all the lights in your house for an hour to protest caring about the earth, basically), and this is a chilling excerpt from our conversation:

Daniel
thoughts??
1:29amEmily
ah, sorry, i was away for a sec
my thoughts are that it's the stupidest thing in the world
it's obvious that the only reason they're doing this is so that they can find another way to disagree with liberals
if you don't ascribe to a certain political leaning, that's fine...but this is not a political issue
1:31amEmily
this is our planet at stake
1:31amDaniel
well
I mean it makes sense to me
to take care of the earth
1:31amEmily
right
1:31amDaniel
but sometimes
I think
people are willing to do anyhting
anything
for the sake of Global warming
which I don't think is very solid science

yes, sweetie. but neither is creationism.*

i love this boy to death, but he can be pretty damn dense sometimes. also, he didn't even let me finish my argument. i was GOING to say that this event entirely misses the point of what it's arguing against, and that the only reason it's arguing against anything in the first place is for the sake of arguing. if these ridiculous people would put down their life-sized ann coulter sex dolls long enough to think about what the fuck they're trying to do, odds are they'd be just as confused as i am right now.

if you need me, i'll be in the dark, banging my fat liberal head against a wall.

*not god, just creationism. i like god.

2009-03-25T23:43:00.000-07:00

i appear to be getting into a photo-posting trend here. which is why this blog is the perfect place to post this:

welcome to emily's wardrobe circa 2004. life as you know it suddenly seems a little bit better, doesn't it? that's called perspective. you're welcome.

hurrcut

2009-03-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

befo:

afta:

oh mr. sandman...

2009-03-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

today i dreamt that i was auditioning for a movie and had to do a sex scene with dev patel. if i dreamt things like this more often, i would probably sleep all the time. just saying.

also, i realized today that i haven't been camping in a long time. which is not cool, considering i really, really fucking love nature probably more than anything else in the world. okay, maybe i love reggae and scrabble a little bit more, but nature is a close third.* i think that, if lina has a free weekend soon, i might steal her and make her go hiking** and canoeing and camping with me. if you're lina and you're reading this, don't tell lina you just read this. i want to surprise her. or, uh, you.***

in other news, sin fang bous is awesome and you should check them out. they're from iceland. wouldn't listening to a band from iceland make you feel cultured and interesting? i bet it wou-ouuuuld! (read that aloud in a singsong voice. no, that won't do. you have a horrible voice. never mind.)

anyway, here's a video of theirs. i suggest you give them a listen, because they're pretty stellar. they're on myspace, too (myspace.com/sinfangbous), and you should add them there. in fact, i haven't either yet. i'm gonna go do that.

*meh. let's call it a tie.

**not real hiking. i am disabled and out of shape. maybe a mile or so. but i rest my case with the other two.

***...what??

2009-03-22T01:03:00.001-07:00

the inside of my nostril is very, very swollen right now. i <3 piercings.

just thought you should know.

UPDATE (7:08 AM): i just spent 6 hours reinserting this little sucker.*

victory is mine! my nose is, however, still approximately a million times its original size:

*that's what he said?

2009-03-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

and now, for your moment of zen:

the circle of life

2009-03-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

2:00amLilly
what yo want from me, ho?
i always give you your whoreing money
2:01amEmily
it's a vicious cycle, daddy
mo money, mo drugs
mo drugs, less money
less money, mo tricks
mo tricks, mo psychotherapy

i say really, really deep and meaningful things on facebook chat when i'm sleep deprived.

[insert witty title]

2009-03-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

i think my wisdom teeth are finally coming in. my face hurts a lot today.

got fitted for my music man costume. one word: PETTICOAT. the whole costume put together weighs probably somewhere around 15 pounds and is full of win. anyone who's ever made fun of a lady in a giant, flowery hat is probably just jealous.

also, please buy me this car:

new york city tomorrow! it'll be the first time all 3 ash siblings have been together since december. pictures and general hilarity will ensue.

2009-03-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

2:24Emily
meh
ion't like diamonds
2:24amLilly
no?
they're a girls best friend
last i heard
2:25amEmily
nahhh
they're too ethically unsound for me
2:26amLilly
"ethically unsound"
hmm...
me too uneducated to understand that term
2:26amEmily
haha
basically
i don't wear diamonds because they're mined predominantly in african war zones
and are traded pretty frequently to fund rebel insurgencies
2:27amLilly
oh so you one of dem human rights bullshit activist aint ya huh?
lol i kidd
2:27amEmily
haha
shut up!
and yes.
yes i am.

greatest conversation ever. i love that crazy bitch.

stupidity loves company

2009-03-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

every time i have a religious/philosophical discussion with a fundamentalist christian, i feel like we're getting closer and closer to the apocalypse. seriously, you'd think that these people were from a different planet or something. all i can say is oy gevalt.

eureka!

2009-03-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

i just found my digital camera, which has been missing since december. when i'm near a computer that has a slot for my memory card, i might post some photos here. probably mostly drunk ones that my mom will see if i post them on facebook.

2009-03-10T22:20:00.001-07:00

p.s.! i just noticed that two--count 'em--two of my blog entries have titles that are references to the beastie boys. just in case you wondered.

no sleep till brooklyn!

2009-03-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

on sunday, my sister and i are leaving to visit our brother in new york city. a cousin of mine, fred hersch, is a famous pianist (holy shit, he has a wikipedia page!) living in nyc who's agreed to set aside some time on monday and record with me at his studio in soho. if this isn't a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, then i don't know what is. also, if i can conjure up the cajones, i might also go to an open mic night at cleopatra's needle. which is serious shit, f'real. also a killer opportunity, should i choose to accept it (i will. don't worry.). btw, you're probably noticing i just put a closing parenthesis between two periods. am i even allowed to do that? what are your thoughts, fellow grammarians? (if you're as nerdy as i am, you probably read the last two words of the previous sentence and sang them in your head--or maybe out loud? i don't judge--to the tune of "marian the librarian". no? just me? okay.)

that about sums up what's on my mind right now. well, actually, it really doesn't. it's only a tiny fraction of what's on my mind, but i tend to figure that reading someone's stream of consciousness/incoherent written babble is far more interesting than reading what said someone actually thinks about anything. no again? too fucking bad. adieu.

sleep meow-pnea

2009-03-03T23:26:00.000-08:00

ok, so i'm not the best writer of humorous captions. deal with it.

said caption (since you asked) refers to the fact that, right now, my 25-pound cat hobbes is falling asleep on my bedroom floor. he snores because he's too fat not to. i just tried taking a picture of him to demonstrate how fat and sleepy and cute he is, but he woke up. and anyway, the shot was crooked. oh well.

in other news, MTV is telling approximately 10 episodes' worth of lies about my (not very) beloved alma mater, SCPA. the trailer is here.

no, we do not do perfectly choreographed hip hop dance routines in the cafeteria. fail, MTV.

from our friends at passiveaggressivenotes

2009-02-22T16:58:00.000-08:00

i need this cake to happen to me. my 19th birthday is in may. get cracking.

rather epic

2009-02-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

i just watched this video on youtube and laughed so hard that i was wheezing. granted, i'm sick so wheezing is something i'm highly capable of at the moment. but believe me, this shit is funny. the boys at rathergood never fail to disappoint me.

license to ill

2009-02-19T15:15:00.000-08:00

so i've been sick now for, what, three days? four? something like that. i had some blood work done yesterday to make sure i don't have a problem with my immuno-goblins.* my doctor thinks that, since i'm always getting sick and sleeping for 20-hour periods of time for no reason, i might have an immunodeficiency that needs to be treated. not really entirely sure what this treatment entails, although i do know that it happens once a month and involves large needles. ye gods...

in other news, studies have shown that spooning with a small dog increases the release of endorphins into one's body, thus rendering one happier. okay, so i made that up. but seriously, don't knock it till you've tried it. my jack russell terrier, chico, is a hell of a cuddler.**

*actually called immunoglobulins, but calling them goblins makes them sound more awesome and less disease-like.

**also, possibly, a better boyfriend than any human i've ever dated. just saying.

the apple vs. the tree: a comparative study

2009-02-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

the following is a transcript of a conversation i had with my mom during a game of scrabble today:

mom: you can't put down "jenny". that's not a word.

me: yeah it is! "spinning jenny"?

mom: what the hell is a spinning jenny?

me: it's a farming tool invented by jethro tull* during the agricultural revolution.

mom: isn't he the guy who plays the flute??

me: no. you're thinking of the band jethro tull because they have a flute player.

mom: but wait...i thought...whoa.

my mom is awesome. :)

*i've just been informed that the spinning jenny was invented by james hargreaves circa 1764. jethro tull, though also a british agriculturist during the revolution, died 23 years before this happened. he invented the seed drill. so i was close, but no ciggy. thanks for setting me straight, wikipedia.

the first blog is the deepest

2009-02-16T00:36:00.000-08:00

how much does a polar bear weigh?

enough to break the ice.

how're you?